It’s another sleepless night for me. Laying here, next to my husband, who is sleeping so soundly, all I hear is the wind and minor traffic from outside. I lay here awake, envisioning what my life will look like a year from now. Not in relation to the diagnosis; I’ll let God handle that. What about the rest of my life? My social life? My professional life? I find myself often questioning if this is what I want to do with the rest of my life? Does this feed my soul? I don’t know. I feel like there’s another me, living parallel to the world I’m living in. She’s living in adventure. She’s proving herself to herself. She’s living out her wildest dreams. There’s this pull I feel, like there’s something else out there for me. I’m unsure of what it is. Maybe it's a hobby; maybe it’s a life change. I can’t touch it, but I know it’s there. It’s kind of like the me in this world is driving on an open road without traffic. I’m the only one on the road, and I don’t have a destination. I’m just driving. It’s peaceful. No background noise and plenty of neo-soul; but I’m completely unsure of the next road to take or the destination.

For the past six months, I’ve been in this constant state of wonder. Wondering who I am now? What should I do now? In 2019, I’m turning the big 40, and it’s somewhat a scary thing. When I was much younger, I had this timetable. I knew what I was going to do. By 40, I expected to have everything together and be living my best life (literally) without problems. I never thought about the dips and tumbles along the way because when you’re 20, you’re invincible, and the world is wide open. It’s not that at almost 40 my life isn’t wide open. I just feel that every step I take now needs to be meaningful and have a purpose. I’m becoming reclusive. On weekends, I find myself staying in the house to block out any extra noise. Not that I’m withdrawing from people, I just feel as though my focus doesn’t need to be on anything that isn’t a priority. Right now, outside of family and work, I don’t lend everything my attention. I’ve decided that for 2019 I’ll take a long overdue break from social media. Endless scrolling doesn’t feed my mind, as much as I’d tell myself it does. It’s needless; however, I do find interesting topics to write about.

Millions of people out there are having the same thoughts I’m having. Wishing for life to be something; wishing that life wasn’t what it is. As humans, we’re always evolving. There’s always something in our lives that will bring us to the next thing and to the next. I’m unsure if everyone finds their “thing,” their purpose, and lives it out forever. What I do know is that I’m awake, again, and at an ungodly hour, listening to my husband sleep soundly and to the light traffic from outside. This time there’s no wind. I feel less stressed about finding my “thing” or my purpose. I’m settling in to the fact that maybe I have a need to explore my wanderlust.


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