I have breast cancer.
Infiltrating Ductal Carcinoma. It took me a few days to deal with that diagnosis. At first, I was okay. I said I was okay. I felt I could deal with this. I told my parents and siblings and let them know that I was fine. I felt okay because I know I am going to get through this. My family, however, is not okay. They are scared and stressed as one could imagine. I kept telling myself everything is fine, and that this too shall pass and everything will be normal. A few days later I came to the realization that it's not.
Over the weekend I started to feel the heaviness of this diagnosis. I started to think about all the what ifs and how comes. Shortly after, I went to my follow up appointment with my surgeon, who had my MRI results. There were more calcifications in the same breast (no bigger than the one we know to be cancer). The left breast is completely fine. It was in that moment that I felt an enormous tug. That’s the only way to explain it. It was a tug on my stomach, heart, and my whole body, all at once; and it was overwhelming. My mother in law and my husband were in the room as well. I could see that my husband needed to process this. My mother in law, thank God she was there because she asked all of the right questions, when I couldn’t get out a word. My mind went to so many worse case scenarios in like 10 seconds. I left the appointment feeling angry, sad, and frustrated.
This is a lot to process as you can imagine. I often deal with things by burying them. I don’t reflect on my feelings about hard situations. I just keep moving. This situation isn’t allowing me to do that. God isn’t allowing me to do that. I am being forced to face this in a way that is uncomfortable for me. I have to talk to people about this. I have to feel, talk, cry, and scream, and sometimes all at the same time. I am slowly learning to be vulnerable because this isn’t something I can just fix. I can’t take a pill and have life go on as normal. Something tells me that God doesn’t like the way I live my normal life, and through this He is getting me to my purpose. Who knows?
I am learning to keep my circle very tight. I cannot be around a lot of noise. Sometimes there are so many people talking and giving you advice and your space becomes so loud. I had to close mine to a very select group of people, who I know have my best interest at heart. They give me soul-fuel; they help me to keep my soul full. Whether it's a text to check on me or sending me a scripture to read, they are all I need right now.
As for my process, I have chosen to have a double mastectomy with reconstruction. My surgeon has also done the genetic testing, due to my age. I am doing better today, emotionally. I feel supported and I take all of my feelings to God before anyone else. I am being honest with myself about how I feel. This allows me to be honest with the world. I don’t have it all together and I am still a work in progress. This diagnosis doesn’t mean life stops; it doesn’t mean I am to sit and dwell. It means I need to face it, head on, pray, and keep it moving.
Thank you all for your texts, messages, and calls for well wishes. Thank you for your continued prayers for me and my family.
Peace and Love