This blog has not been edited. I just needed to get this out.
I’m all over the place. While I am physically healed I have a lot of mental and emotional healing to do. That’s going to take some time. I came out of this dreadful situation with my life and I am beyond grateful to God for that. However, I am not completely happy. I don’t feel like I have anything together. I feel like its all falling apart. I have often felt throughout this year that I can handle it all. That all is fine and if I keep moving, praying ad getting out of the house then I will be okay. That tricked worked for a year and now it is all catching up to me.
One year ago, this cancer journey started for me. If you didn’t know, now you do, and you can read further over on the blog. This month last year I had my first and only chemo round and it almost caused me to lose my life. You don’t just move through that swiftly. You don’t just get over it. I feel like I have moved through the gratefulness of being alive. I even went through the angry as hell stage. Now I am just in the sad as hell stage. I feel like I am grieving and I am not sure what I am grieving but I do know it is more than one thing. I feel like sleeping my days away because I can hardly find the energy to do much. If you see me out; I was fighting really hard that day. Ultimately, I have decided that I have some work to do. I need to do some root work; some soul work. I have avoided it because it will cause me to have to really look at myself and decide to talk to someone other than myself to figure this out. Which means I will have to be vulnerable and stripped bare.
So last week I went in for a sick visit to my doctor and turns out I have an ear infection. You know how some doctors just ask you what you need, run some tests and send you on your way? Not my doctor. She gets all in your business. She asked about all aspects of my life. She, knowing me, told me that I was not doing well and that I wasn’t myself. Its weird hearing someone else tell you exactly how your feeling. It was great to unload everything onto someone who is not affected by life whatsoever. I think I probably took about 30 minutes of time away from another patient but when it started coming out I couldn’t stop. I am relieved to not be holding in all of these feelings any longer.
My doctor insisted I join a local exercise program for breast cancer survivors. I was hesitant. I have refused to do anything breast cancer related or with the name attached. No walks, no t-shirts, no slogans. To me, it sort of feels like I am claiming it and making it my life. I know thats not the case but that is how I feel. This program is for those who are currently in treatment or post-treatment and they meet to work out twice a week. I decided to join. My first session is soon. I have to stay that I am kind of excited. Maybe being around others who have been through the same will do some good. My doctor also referred me for therapy due to a diagnosis of depression. (I am okay, I do not intend to harm myself or anyone else. Depression comes in many forms). Counseling is my background so I know the benefits. Its just so hard to commit to especially when you are meeting a new therapist. Since she was a referral I feel a little at ease about that part. It’s just hard to have to sit in this. I just want all of this feeling to go away. I guess that’s how I deal with everything. I compartmentalize and keep pushing through. Now I have to work through it and not just deal with it.
I need to find out what makes me happy. Healing isn’t easy but if I want to be truly happy it has to happen. So, I will be hard at work this summer on myself. Working through all these feelings. My self-care Sundays will be put on hold while I care for myself.
Peace and Love Y’all